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Friday, January 14, 2011

My horizons are expanding or The USM Power Workout

I spent the better part of my life as a farm hand of sorts. I was up in the early mornings feeding animals before my first sip of coffee for many years. There are actually times that I get a pang of longing for milking the goats and feeding the turkeys and chickens… but, cold winter mornings snaps me right out of it! I do miss the sweet kisses that baby goats give you and the cackle of a hen as she lays her morning egg. One thing about farm work is that I never needed an exercise plan.

I spend way too much time sitting. I sit in front of a computer. I sit while hand knitting and crocheting, making jewelry, painting, blah, blah, and so forth. My last working positions were… yep, sitting in front of a computer. Well, I have developed the USM Power Work-Out to bust that every expanding waistline and bounding bottom that plagues every sitter-downer! And the best part is… I am sharing it with the world

FOR FREE, or for 3 easy payments of only $39.95! Your choice!

Here is the free part:

To combat those lovely middle-age bat wings, do not purchase an electric yarn winder. Stand with your feet apart, elbows lifted to about shoulder height and extended to the sides. Hold the end of the yarn in one hand and begin wrapping the yarn into a ballish shape with the other. If you do this to a heavy metal song and wiggle your tushie and nod your head for added calorie burning bonus. Do not forget to switch the ballish yarny thing to the other hand half-way through winding or you will end up with one fine looking arm and a bat-wing thingie flap’n on the other.

+Do not bother with checking the gauge required to complete the pattern you are working on and you will have lots of yarn to rip out and re-roll!
++ Do not secure your ball of yarn while using your USM and every time the ballish thing rolls off of your knitting table you will burn calories chasing it.

Sculpt that expanding waistline (saddlebags for us old-timers) by sitting on a tall stool in front of your USM and sway from side-to-side with the motion of the carriage. For added fun, sway in the opposite direction. Be sure to firmly plant your feet on the floor with your legs spread apart (my mother is probably shake’n her fanger at me from heaven for this one because nice southern girls keep their legs together!) or you will fall off of the stool and probably need emergency medical attention.

This one is for your back and shoulders… Drop your claw weights (actually any weights will do), or your transfer tool as many times as you can during a USM session. Bending forward from the waist and stretch your arms out from the shoulder to retrieve them will give your back a real good workout.
Please let me know of your special USM workout secrets. I'd be glad to sell them too.